The mark of a new writer, especially a writer moving from narrative to the screenplay format is easy to spot. The page is usually heavy with ink, and every step of every character is notated. It’s important to give actors a motion or prop to deal with in a scene, but I don’t need to see a simple entrance into an office take up an entire page.<\/p>\n
What do you mean?<\/p>\n
I know, I know: you’re told to describe actions visually, be the director, use the words to direct the action, blah blah blah. You need a good “bad” example of what I’m talking about. The one I found today came from all places a song by Weird Al Yankovic. If the lyrics to his song were turned into a scene, people would be slamming themselves into a wall to get away from your script. As a song it’s absolutely hilarious, but read it visually as scene in a screenplay.<\/p>\n
My comments are in red.<\/p>\n
“Trapped In The Drive-Thru” by Weird Al Yankovic.<\/strong><\/p>\n Seven O’clock in the evening She says “Is this ‘Behind the Music’ She says “I kinda had a big lunch. She said “So what do you have in mind?” “But first you gotta tell me I said “Well, there’s tuna, I know.” I hopped up and I said I’m like “No, I said ‘delivered’.” –Okay, not bad so far. \u00a0It’s mostly dialog, and perhaps a bit redundant (for a scene).<\/span><\/p>\n Well I was gonna say something It was just cousin Larry “Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right And then she said “Baby, can’t we just go out to dinner, please?” I step a little bit closer I don’t feel like gettin all dressed up …And Burrito King would make me gassy Then I get an idea –Hold on, we’re STILL at the same point in our story. Deciding what the heck to eat.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span> Put my key in the ignition –Just get in the darn car and go, we don’t need to know a key turns the car on, we don’t need to see the characters open car doors, just GET IN THE CAR. (I know sometimes it’s necessary to describe an action such as opening a car door, but if you can remove it and the story doesn’t change, what good is it? Opening the door better be integral to your story.)<\/span><\/p>\n Then we drive to the drive-thru Almost there at the drive-thru Well here we are — Still in the drive thru???? What page are we on, ten?<\/span><\/p>\n There’s some idiot in a Volvo My wife says “Maybe we should park… Now a woman on a speaker box Then my wife says I said “You always get a cheeseburger!” The voice on the speaker says I wanna get a chicken sandwich …Plus we need curly fries Then I said “I’m guessin’ that She says “One, you want a chicken sandwich. “I never ordered a large rootbeer “Oh.” And that’s all You can have unlimited refills Then she says “Wait a minute She says “Oh, he’s just some guy I said “I know a guy named Paul. He also had bladder problems And then we both were quiet So we inched ahead in line [Song plays]<\/em><\/p>\n [Click]<\/em> Turned it off Then I looked at her She turned away from me Then she said “How about now?” Now we’re at the pay window And the lady at the window’s like, She just rolls her eyes and says I hand it to the lady I took back the card and said I said “I thought you were And I said “Nevermind, And she says “Mister, please, We looked around inside the glove-box – o.O<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Before long I had a little pile And now my woman’s got this weird look And so I turned around So I pick up my change And now we see this acne ridden And he hands me a paper bag Well he looks at me And he looks at me I say “Ketchup!” And then he hands me the ketchup I’m starvin’ to death So she reaches in the bag And then I unwrap the paper — What did you learn in this scene (if it were a scene in a movie)? A whole lot of nothing, which I think is partially Weird Al’s point. \u00a0We’ve been chit chatted to death.<\/span><\/p>\n Anything your characters say or \u00a0do without pushing the story forward kills momentum and makes a movie drag. \u00a0I love looking for examples in other mediums such as songs, or poems. They’re all stories, just with different paces and expectations. \u00a0Once you’re writing in a brief manner, you’re going to find that you’ll be able to make your point faster in regular conversation too. <\/span><\/p>\n Go Forth and be Concise.<\/span><\/p>\n If you’re interested in hearing this song, it’s available on youtube here: http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/alyankovicVEVO#p\/u<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The mark of a new writer, especially a writer moving from narrative to the screenplay format is easy to spot. The page is usually heavy with ink, and every step of every character is notated. It’s important to give actors a motion or prop to deal with in a scene, but I don’t need to … <\/p>\n
\nWatchin somethin’ stupid on TV
\nI’m zoned out on the sofa
\nWhen my wife comes in the room and sees me<\/p>\n
\nWith Lynard Skynard?”
\nAnd I say “I don’t know.
\nSay, it’s gettin’ late…what you wanna do for dinner?<\/p>\n
\nSo I’m not super hungry.”
\nI said “Well you know, baby, I’m not starvin’ either
\nBut I could eat.”<\/p>\n
\nI said “I don’t know what about you?”
\nShe said “I don’t care, if you’re hungry, let’s eat.”
\nI said “That’s what we’re gonna do!”<\/p>\n
\nWhat it is you’re hungry for!”
\nAnd she says “Let me think…
\n…What’s left in our refrigerator?”<\/p>\n
\nShe said “That went bad a week ago!”
\nI said “Is the chili OK?”
\nShe said “You finished that yesterday!”<\/p>\n
\n“I don’t know, do you want to get something delivered?”
\nShe’s like “Why would I want to eat liver?
\nI don’t even like liver!”<\/p>\n
\nShe’s like “I heard you say liver!”
\nI’m like “I should know what I said…”
\nShe’s like “Whatever, I just don’t want any liver!”<\/p>\n
\nBut my cell phone started to ring
\nNow who could be callin’ me?
\nWell I checked my caller ID<\/p>\n
\nCallin’ for the third time today…
\nMy wife said “Let it go to voicemail.”
\nI said, “OK.”<\/p>\n
\nSo what d’ya want to do?”
\nShe said “Why don’t you whip up somethin in the kitchen?”
\n“Yeah,” I said, “Why don’t you?”<\/p>\n
\nI says “No”
\nShe says “Yes”
\nI says “No”
\nShe says “Yes”
\nI says “No”
\nShe says “Yes…
\n…Oh, here’s your keys”<\/p>\n
\nSay “OK, where ya want to go?”
\nShe says “How about The Ivy?”
\nI said “Yeah, well I don’t know…”<\/p>\n
\nAnd eatin’ expensive food
\nShe’s says “Olive Garden?”
\nI say “Nah, I’m not in the mood…<\/p>\n
\nThere’s no doubt”
\nShe says “Just forget about it”
\nI said “No, I swear I’m gonna take you out!”<\/p>\n
\nI says “I know what we’ll do!”
\nShe says “What?”
\nI say “Guess”
\nShe says “What?”
\nI say “We’re goin’ to the drive-thru!”<\/p>\n
\nSo we head out the front door
\nOpen the garage door
\nThen I open the car doors
\nAnd we get in those car doors<\/p>\n
\nAnd then I turn it sideways
\nThen we fasten our seat belts
\nAs we pull out the driveway<\/p>\n
\nHeading off to the drive-thru
\nWe’re approaching the drive-thru
\nGetting close to the drive-thru!<\/p>\n
\nNow we’re here at the drive thru
\nHere in line at the drive-thru
\nDid I mention the drive-thru?<\/p>\n
\nIn the drive-thru line, me and her.
\nCars in front of us, cars in back of us.
\nAll just waiting to order<\/p>\n
\nWith his brights on behind me
\nI lean out the window and scream
\n“Hey, What you trying to do, blind me?”<\/p>\n
\n…We could just go eat inside.”
\nI said “I’m wearin’ bunny slippers
\nSo I ain’t leavin’ this ride…”<\/p>\n
\nIs sayin’ “Can I take your order, please?”
\nI said “Yes indeed, you certainly can
\nWe’d like two hamburgers with onions and cheese.”<\/p>\n
\n“Baby, hold on, I’ve changed my mind!
\nI think I’m gonna have a chicken sandwich
\nInstead, this time”<\/p>\n
\nShe says “That’s not what I’m hungry for.”
\nI put my head in my hands and screamed,
\n“I don’t know who you are anymore!”<\/p>\n
\n“I don’t have all day!”
\nI said “Then, take our order,
\nAnd we’ll be on our way!<\/p>\n
\nAnd I want a cheeseburger, too
\nShe’s like “You want onions on that?”
\nI’m like “Yeah, I already said that I do…<\/p>\n
\nAnd don’t you dare forget it!
\nAnd two medium root beers
\nNo, just one, we’ll split it.”<\/p>\n
\nYou’re probably not too bright…
\nSo read me back my order
\nLet’s make sure you got it right.”<\/p>\n
\nTwo, you want a cheeseburger
\nThree, curly fries, and a large root beer”
\n“Stop, don’t go no further!”<\/p>\n
\nI said medium, not large!”
\nThen she says “We’re havin’ a special,
\nI supersized you at no charge.”<\/p>\n
\nI could say, was “Oh.”
\nAnd she says “Now there is somethin’ else
\nThat I really think you should know.<\/p>\n
\nFor just a quarter more…”
\nI say “Great, except we’re in the drive thru…
\nSo what would I want that for?”<\/p>\n
\nYour voice sounds so familiar…hey, is this Paul?
\nAnd my wife is all like “No, that ain’t Paul,
\nNow tell me, who’s this Paul?<\/p>\n
\nWho goes to school with me.
\nI sat behind him last year
\nAnd I copied off him in Geometry.<\/p>\n
\nHe used to be my plumber
\nHe was prematurely bald
\nAnd he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.<\/p>\n
\nAnd a really bad infection on his toe.”
\nAnd she said “Mister, please, you can stop right there,
\nThat’s way more than I needed to know!”<\/p>\n
\nAnd things got real intense
\nThen she says “Next window please,
\nThat’ll be five dollars and eighty two cents.”<\/p>\n
\nMovin’ painfully slow
\nI got a little bored
\nSo I turned on the radio…<\/p>\n
\nBecause my wife was getting a headache
\nSo we both just sat there quietly
\nFor her sake.<\/p>\n
\nAnd she looked back at me
\nAnd I said “Um,
\nI think you have somethin’ in your teeth.”<\/p>\n
\nAnd then turned back and said “Did I get it?”
\nI said “Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it…
\nBut hey, ya know, don’t sweat it.”<\/p>\n
\nI said “Yeah, almost.
\nThere’s still a little bit there
\nBut don’t worry, it’s probably just a piece of toast.”<\/p>\n
\nOr whatever you call it
\nPut my hand in my pocket
\nI can’t believe there’s no wallet!<\/p>\n
\n“Well, well, well, that’ll be five eighty two.”
\nI turn around to my wife, and say
\n“How much have you got on you?”<\/p>\n
\n“I’ll pay for this, I guess.”
\nSo she reaches into her purse
\nAnd busts out the American Express<\/p>\n
\nAnd she says “Oh, dear.
\nIt’s gotta be cash only
\nWe don’t take credit cards here.”<\/p>\n
\n“Gee, really? Well that sucks.”
\nAnd that’s when I found out
\nMy wife was only carryin’ three bucks.<\/p>\n
\nGoing to hit the ATM today”
\nShe says “I never got around to it
\nSo where’s your wallet anyway?<\/p>\n
\nJust help me to find some change…”
\nNow the lady at the window
\nIs lookin at me kinda strange…<\/p>\n
\nWe gotta move this line along”
\nI said “Now hold your stinkin’ horses lady,
\nWe won’t be long.”<\/p>\n
\nAnd check the mat beneath my feet
\nI found a nickel in the ashtray
\nAnd a couple pennies and a dime in the space between he seats<\/p>\n
\nOf coins of every sort
\nThe lady counts it up and says
\n“You’re still about a dollar short”<\/p>\n
\nFrozen on her face
\nShe screams, “you know
\nI wasn’t even really hungry in the first place”<\/p>\n
\nTo the cashier again
\nI shrugged and said “OK
\nForget the chicken sandwich then”<\/p>\n
\nPick up my receipt
\nAnd I drive to the pickup window
\nMan, I just can’t wait to eat<\/p>\n
\nKid about sixteen
\nWearin’ a dorky nametag that says
\n“Hello, my name is Eugene.”<\/p>\n
\nI look him in the eyes
\nAnd I say to him “Hey, Eugene,
\nCan I get some ketchup for my fries?”<\/p>\n
\nAnd I look at him
\nAnd he looks at me
\nAnd I look at him<\/p>\n
\nAnd I look at him
\nAnd he says “I’m sorry
\nWhat did you want again?”<\/p>\n
\nAnd he says “Oh yeah, that’s right…
\n…I just spaced out there for a second
\nI’m really kind of burnt tonight.”<\/p>\n
\nAnd now we’re finally drivin’ away
\nAnd the food is drivin’ me mad
\nWith its intoxicating bouquet<\/p>\n
\nBy the time we pull up at the traffic light
\nI say “Baby, gimme that burger,
\nI just gotta have a bite!”<\/p>\n
\nAnd pulls out the burger
\nAnd she hands me the burger
\nAnd I pick up the burger<\/p>\n
\nI bite into those buns
\nAnd I just can’t believe it
\nThey forgot the onions!<\/p>\n
\n